What’s the deal with the Green New Deal?
We here at Glorp Mag likes to keeps it real. We strive to keep in touch the common folk that walk the sidewalks, back alleys and dirt roads of this great nation.
In our pursuit of the glorious singularity we took to the streets to find out how the real folk feel about the recent proposals to remedy the ills of economic inequality and climate change. We asked a random assortment of our new best friends, exactly what is the deal with the Green New Deal?
“Aw man is that that AOC chick’s gimmick? Aw man she’s hot AF. Is she Puerto Rican? I had a Puerto Rican baby doll a ways back. Man her mom could cook. She made these empanadas. Oh my god bro I can still taste ‘em. I’d do anything for that girl’s mom. I had to cut her loose yo. She said Drake was better than Ye. But those empanadas bro! So yeah man, whatever AOC is down with sign me up.”
I shouldn’t say anything. I can’t talk politics. My blood pressure shoots up like my big toe does when that Carrie Underwood sings the football song. My father workedfor the WPA during the New Deal and the whole thing was a communist con job. Building little commie playgrounds and commie schools. One night my father caught his foreman giving my mother the business and the commie was wearing red long johns. Red! We beat the damn Nazis then we gave the country to the goddamned Commies!”
“I really like the gays. One of my best friends is gay but I don’t want to use the bathroom with him at the same time. I mean, sometimes he comes in and does my hair but I don’t want to watch him pee. I don’t like him that way. I mean I guess it’sfine if he marries a guy but I hope one of them dresses like the queen. I don’t think the government should like, make the taxpayers pay for the wedding cake though. They can just use cupcakes.”
“We have to build the wall. We just have to do it. And we have to do it now. Those people in Washington need to stop arguing about whose fault it is. It’s too late! I don’t care if the scientists did it, or the Clintons, or George Starbucks, or if it’s just anatural cycle. The water is rising. We already lost New Orleans. If we don’t build the flood wall now we could lose one of the good states like Texas. Or Montana.”
I was just talking to my wife about this last night. Since the midterms she’s suddenly become interested in the notion of tying economic policy to the preservation of the ecosystem. It’s adorable but I had to pause The Titan Games and explain to her that any attempts at climate based legislation must be rooted in science regardless of the economic concerns. Capitalism, by its very nature, is invested in neither the preservation of the commodity nor the consumer. Linking the two together in a stimulus package is a conundrum our society is not yet prepared to transcend. But, she didn’t want to hear it. She just wanted to watch Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson play his little American Gladiator games. If you want the Green New Deal to pass you’d better get “The Rock” on board.”