For those about to shamrock, we salute you!
We here at Glorp Mag likes to keeps it real. We strive to keep in touch the common folk that walk the sidewalks, back alleys and dirt roads of this great nation. This week we’re all counting down the seconds until our 2nd favorite alcoholism themed holiday of the year, Saint Patrick’s Day! We asked a random assortment of our new best friends, are you ready to shamrock?
All I know about St. Patrick’s day is that in high school for some reason everyone was allowed to pinch you if you were not wearing green, so all the guys were pinching my ass which makes it the same as every other day except that they didn’tget in trouble so I stabbed this jock in the crotch with my pencil and pierced his testicle so then I had to go to alternative school from then on which was not at all about Pearl Jam or whatever the olds were into in the 90s. So, no, I don’t celebrate St. Patrick ’s Day.”
“Nah bro I’m not ready yet but I will be. St. Paddy’s is on a Sunday this year so I guess it will be chiller than last year. Last year we got lit up and tore down son. Westarted drinkin’ a day early last year and partied on through ‘til the day after. I went to jail AND got a girl pregnant. I paid the bail bondsman extra to not let the chick know my name.”
“Yeah buddy I’m ready. I’ve had my traps set out for weeks. You gotta start early. Ain’t no law that says the leprechaun has to wait until Saint Paddy’s day to break in and steal yo shit. They can hit ya anytime day or night. I’ve got a trap at each door,the chimney and the bathroom in case they try to come up through the toilet. I got daddy’s gold watch in one trap, mamma’s gold earrings in another trap, some gold candy bar wrappers in one and I’ve even got my replica WWE title belt in a trap. This is the year son. I’mma catch me a leprechaun.”
“We gotta build that wall. Fox and Friends says that 90% of leprechaun crossings happen at the southern border. They sneak in, then they commit leprechaun voter fraud and then the next thing you know we’re all living under leprechaun socialism. Just look what leprechaun socialism has done to Venezuela! I don’t want my kids hooked on leprechaun meth. I don’t want to get leprechaun raped! Build that wall!”
“I’m not Catholic so I never thought anything about St. Patrick ’s Day until I was in the ‘Nam. There was a red headed freckled Irish kid named Fergus in our platoon. He looked like Jimmy Olsen with bad teeth. We called him “Fergie Freckles”. It was St. Patrick ’s Day and he wouldn’t shut up about it. He thought it was going to be his lucky day. He wanted to get wounded and get out of the army. Wanting to get shot or half blown up is a weird notion of lucky but that’s what he wanted. So we’re on patrol and we stumble into a Viet Cong ambush. We were goners. Fergus was screaming for God to help when suddenly this green fella busted out of the trees. Only it wasn’t no leprechaun. It was the Batutut. Goddamned Vietnamese Bigfoot. It tore through the Viet Cong like rippin’ heads off chickens. Then it drug poor Fergieoff into the trees. We never saw him again. At least he got out of the army.”