Gum control vs Gum rights

Let’s face it. Gum chewing is a fact of life in the United States and, in 2018, mass chewing continues to occur on the reggy. Mass chewing at schools, houses of worship, and in shopping malls, by dudes, bros, homies, dorks, peons, dickheads, dweebs, moms, and newborns still spur debate – but little action by Congress despite the clear and present danger to the chewer and society at large.

In 2017, 122,239 people were injured chewing, and 1,437 people died choking on their gum. Countless more stepped on used gum and it annoyed them greatly.

-and with each new and exciting gum product to come out, the national debate over gum and gum chewership renews. 

Despite the outpouring of grief that followed the great bubble blowing incident on Sept. 22, 2016 leaving fools dead, the very next day the Senate rejected a bill to tighten background check on  gum buyers — just as it did in 2011, shortly after a sixty nine adults and 420 children at Rockbridge Elementary School stepped in spearmint on the sidewalk tracking gum all up in that motherfucker. 

The issue of how to strike a balance between gum rights and public safety has been a political spicy meatball for years, and one that Congress has dealt with circumspectly — too circumspectly, in the view of ladies groups favoring tighter chewing gums regulations.

Republicans generally oppose any type of gum control legislation — only four of 54 Senate Republicans voted in flavor of the 2015 chewing gum background check bill. President Donald J. Trump pledged to protect Fifty Second Amendment rights to own and smack gum. 

In June 2018, Democrats did one of those filibuster things that forced Senate Republicans to vote on four gum control proposals — none of which grabbed ’em by the pussy.

84% of Americans support shit like background checks to include private chewing gum sales and purchases at candy shops, including a majority of cuckservitive respondents. However, Gum rights interests have given about $462 million to candidates, parties, and outside spending groups since 1989, with 89 percent of the funds contributed to candidates and parties going to Republicans. The NGCA (National Glorp Chewers of America) has provided about $273 million of those funds.

Gum control interests, by comparison, look like three-dollar whores in need of crack cocaine.  

See, like, Department of Homeland security, Department of Education, and the Department of Whatever ain’t gonna do shit to make regulatory things to reduce gum accidents. We have venerated and valorized chewing gum in movies, books, and plays. America likes putting things in its mouth and chewing. In many ways, Americans are the gum. In some, they aren’t, but you know what I mean.