Where do you like to put your gum? (and I don’t mean your mouth, smart ass,) I’m talkin’ bout after the shit goes down it in chew town! Stashing your gum is an art. And there are many different reasons to do it, what if you want to chew it later? What if it’s gotten too tough? what if you are making out with the pope? These are all valid reasons to “stash that shit”. But even you’re not going to come back for your previously chewed pal, it’s a fact that even the tastiest gum has gotta go at some point, that’s just a saddest part of life. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, that’s why we here at GLORP Gum created this list to help you in your most troubling time of need.
Under a desk
Let’s get this one out of the way. Classics never die, be it a a step dad with hair gel, a cardigan with a Smith’s shirt, or a MAGA hat with puffy white Walmart sneakers, It’s just hard to beat a classic.
A Human ear
I think I saw a TV show when I was little where one of the kids kept their gum behind their ear. I don’t remember anything more about it than that. It seems like a good idea. The gum is kept safe and accessible, probably kind warmish, and probably kind of looks cool. I would like to know more about that TV show. Wait, I think it was Charlie and The chocolate factory. Did that happen in that? I’m not going to look it up.
Your ex’s stuff
I read this article once that said people who live together for a certain amount of time share a “bacterial floor” with one another, so you could be exposed to certain germs and even ingest each other’s fecal matter without getting ill. So even if you totally have big swolled up hate balls for someone, you should still probably keep them in close proximity on account of all that gut type shit. Besides, what if they try to poison you with lil’ tiny bits of their poopie? You gotta protect yourself! This is 2019!
The Cigarette machine at Waffle House on Hwy 78 in Snellville Georgia in the year 1997
Sure, you might have to bend time and space to pull of this one off, but I think it might be worth it. No one is going to find your gum there. That place was a mess. Sure all the high school kids went there to buy cigarettes, but we’re talking about the cool kids, so they’re not going to fuck with your stupid gum. Plus you’re at the waffle house, so you can eat hash browns with all the crap in the world on ’em while listen you to Steve Miller band on the juke box. So even if someone snags the gum it’s still a win/win.
Salvador Dali’s Mustache
Just look at him. like a guy with a neck tattoo applying for a job at CVS, He’s just beggin’ for it.
The me too movement
This one may be a little abstract, but not even GLORP gum is stickier for social justice. When you attach your gum to an online movement, you can be sure it will be there for years to come. I stuck a piece of trident to Occupy Wall Street and it’s still there today. But you also need to be careful, I stuck a nice mellow hunk of watermelon Bubble Yum to Kony 2012, and I’ll be damned if I could find it anywhere. So be careful! This is definitely some next level gum magic. Roll 1d20 for 2+ (no modifiers apply).
The window sill by my bed
This one is as practical as it is gross. I do this in real life every night! I chew big fat wads of gum in my bed, while I read my little rainy day fun books before I go to stupid fucking sleep. I used to sleep with gum in mouth all the time, but mah wiiiife begged me to stop, so just like a white kid at a Lego store, she got what she wanted. which is great! because now I have this new cool/gross hobby! Sticking your gum on the window sill by your bed before you doze off to sleepy town land is the new “Geocaching”. Plus there are at least 2 cool benefits! It saves me 1 trip across the room to my trashcan. Imagine how much walking I’ve saved myself over the years? Imagine the wear and tear Ive saved my dumb knees? Imagine the all the damage I didn’t do to the hardwood floors? Imagine the risk of injury I’ve avoided? Imagine Imagining all this stuff while also imagining something else that is totally cool at the same time. It’s tough right? That’s because it’s a test. Don’t worry though, the other benefit of sticking your gum on the window sill by your bed at night is being good at tests, so you won the test!
The Mariana Trench
The police watched a guy eat a hotdog at a sports show thing and now he’s in jail! DNA evidence is used to solve all sortsa old ass crimes and stuff. What if you have to do crime for a good reason? What, you think crime is just for super poories and mega rich-Os? Well let me blow your stupid mind. CRIME IS FOR EVERYONE. So don’t let your trusted GLORP Gum land you in the pokey. GET THAT SHIT IN THE TRENCH! As long as You don’t cross James Cameron you’ll be jail free for years to come.
The Trash
Yeah. Believe it. It made the list. Now listen, I love the “fudge you” spirit of sticking your used GLORP Gum wherever you fuckin’ please as much as the next goofball, but let’s be honest. If ALL the GLORP Gum chewed all over the world ended up on light posts, Airport runways, and bitchin’ Vape shop murals, the world would be a total mess. If the gum was everywhere we couldn’t stick it anywhere, you know? Think about that kinda deep ass shit. So next time your sorta square pal waddles over to the “loser barrel” to throw away his gum “cuz it wost iz fwavor” grab his stupid face and give him a big ol’ kissaroonie. Because without squares like him, the rest of us wouldn’t be gum chewin’ bad asses.
I went to stash my gum under the Cigarette machine at Waffle House on Hwy 78 in Snellville, Georgia in the year 1997, per your suggestion, but they were playing the Doobie Brothers on the juke box. I hate the goddamn Doobie Brothers! No, I don’t want to “listen to the music,” thank you very much. So, naturally, I put my gum under a stranger’s waffle instead. They actually threw me in jail for that, if you can believe it… and now I’m stuck in 1997! Really it is just a minor setback, though… when I get out I’m going to make a mint selling Y2K bug spray. I’ll be set for life! Thanks for the tip!