It’s springtime ‘GLORPophiles! The trees are doin’ shit, and the animals, are doin’ shit, everyone’s just kinda doin’ shit, ya know? Anyway, I’m here to make sure you don’t dress like a refugee from the planet Shit this season, so lets get started.
C’mon we’ve all been here, right? You’re just hanging out in front of a castle, strung out on Cat Xnanex and coffee, when some pile of roided out Russian street trash offers you a great deal on some black market lip fillers, sure, they’re made entirely out of tire cleaner and pink gas station hand soap, but c’mon 90 cc’s for $30?! You try to say no. I’ll wait. I thought so. Next thing you know, you’re looking so good that Syknet sends you back in time to kill Sarah Conner! Not a terrible Sunday, but definitely not the look.
People toss the term “fashion forward” around like it’s a Nerf football covered in fire-ants nowadays, but these two genius mind-wizards took clothes and made them fucking stupid. What did you do today? Look at them! Just a bunch piles of ugly rings!
What else is there left to achieve in the world of looking like a complete asshole? Answer: nuthin’! Answer II: CHEW DO NOT HAVE THE LOOK!
Every idiot wants to be famous on social media, and somehow that’s supposedly a sensible goal to have as a adult, now? What the fuck?
Every shit head on the street has a “hustle” going on 24/7, They’re not real hustles, like refinishing hardwood floors, doing amazing tile work, or part time tax prep services, mind you, they are “pretend work” kind of hustles. Like a ” I’m writing reviews of this kickstsrter for a thing that is basically a go-fuck me of my indie go-go page where I’m asking patteron’s to buy me a new bed and then I also get paid to comment via twitch on a thing about a thing for influencers on a…” kinda fuckin’ bullshit.
Does that sound like old man, stuff? Because It ain’t. I don’t know anyone who is under 25 who thinks they can make money off the internet, unless you fuck an old dude you meet on a sugar daddy site, or sell your plasma on the dark web.
I mean do whatever you want with your time, but just admit that you’re just staring at your phone and dickin’ around, man. It’s cool. We all do it. It’s fun. What is not fun, is pretending you are working all the time. People do actually work all the time and it sucks. It sucks, so much they don’t want to tell people about it. Ask a person who has a real job about working all the time and they’ll probably just say “it sucks”, and then they’ll move the fuck on. They don’t even have twitter.
Now don’t get all pissy, because this is about you. If this comes up while you’re talking about yourself non stop at dinner and you get the feeling that everyone in the room knows you’re full of shit, just say something like: “boomers olded all the jobs, and now all the debt, and housing circuses my loan for my graduate underwater basket weaving doctorate costs too much?!! So I have to be a video game on you tube now that I’m 39”
That’s the reason they can’t go out tonight, or grab a beer, or do something that isn’t their phone. They’re “working”! Hey a guy from the “Stars” network ordered a magnet from my Threadless store! They’ll probably give me a show! Sorry I can’t hang out tonight, Hurley from Lost bought a sticker from my society six page, so I’m basically a movie star now.
My point being, why the fuck would you want to look like like you’re in a McDonalds ad? You could do it in a fun way, like put your dick on a sandwich or sumthin, but this just makes me furious. This dude, got his pal to sit there and take a hundred photos of him looking at his phone while not eating some shitty food. FUCK, I’M PISSED! Oh, and before anyone chimes in; I’m not not even old, OR a man. So at least start complaining about this from another angle.
I take back everything I just said about selling out. Do it. Look at her. She’s lovin’ it™️ and so am I! BAA BAH BAH BAH BAHHHHHHHH, CHEW GOT THE LOOKS!
