Hello everyone! I am Jesse and I love buying people Glorp Gum® and giving it to them for free. Almost as much as I love telling you all about it.
When I am not standing by gum machines with a sack of quarters free to those in need of delicious gum, you can find me acknowledging and engaging with the poors and giving them as many Glorp™ balls as they can fit in their toothless mouths.
Sometimes, especially publicly, I give out gift cards for Glorp Gum® to the homeless and it helps spread the joy & wonder of Glorp™ Products as well as me. I’m no hero, this is the least I can do. After all, everyone of god’s creatures deserve delicious Glorp Gum®? I’d like to think so, do you? I bet you don’t. I bet you don’t think of anything ever.
It just breaks my oversized bleeding heart to think that nearly 4 billion people live poor, on the sidelines and without Glorp™ chewing gum. This burden, the burden of no gum is square on my shoulders back and head.
It’s my job to make ensure that all the world’s citizens have Glorp™ bubble gum. Who else would do it? The president? Literally, don’t get me started. The altruist life chose me not the other way around. I can’t help it if I am so invested in doing the right thing with my Glorp™.
Maybe I am a hero come to think of it. I mean, that’s what all my friends say when I tell them I can’t live my life knowing people with HIV/AIDS, malaria and tuberculosis go without blowing bubbles. If only they understood the impact this has on me daily. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Did I mention I live in a transitional neighborhood? You would too if you spent your all your hard-earned cash on Glorp Gum®. My neighbors all love me. After all, I give them all free Glorp Gum®. My boyfriend Jeff is afraid to spend the night here after he was stabbed 13 times by a teenager. That’s okay. I still give him Glorp Gum® with a stern lecture about Socioeconomics and neutralizing acid produced by mouth bacteria.
Food banks are always looking for healthy snacks to give out especially to families with kids. Those poor deluded fools. Cans of creamed corn, pumpkin pie filling and manwich sloppy joe sauce will not come with a colorful free shirt like Glorp Gum® does. If they did, the desetitude that I personally know & love me wouldn’t wear it. I should know. I am the one giving them free bubble gum, y’know what I mean?
*Sigh*. Like, I know this is hard for you to understand, what, with me being better than you & all, but I believe you should be the change I want in this world. If everyone had some a piece of Glorp Gum® than all my grandstanding and tut-tutting was only in vein, just a little bit.
Jesse Fluetowske is a staff writer for Fizz Forage Magazine and an official checkpoint supervisor for the TV show “The Amazing Race.” His new book of Found Poetry drops next June.
This post was originally published on FizzForage.com
Jesse, you are so brave! I admire men like you who can see problems with the system and take the initiative to correct those discrepancies head on. You’re like a modern day bull fighter but with bubble gum instead of a fancy red cape. Torro, my friend! Torro!!